Damien Spillane,
What About Those Who Have Not Heard, CultureWatch discussion, 24 Jan. 2007, 10pm:

I can’t help but think that God knows each one of us intimately and thus knows how much light would be suitable to draw us to the kingdom. Too much light for those that do not want God can be a bad thing as well. It makes them so much more accountable for their evil that they will be given extra punishment at judgement.

[Quick, anyone seen my shades?]

Babette Francis, ‘Seduced by Lies’, Endeavour Forum Newsletter, Feb. 2007, 1:

The unlovely cabal of feminist Senators who have instigated recent anti-life legislation in Federal Parliament … have been seduced by the lies of egotistical scientists into believing that embryonic stem cells will provide cures for diseases.

[Good old Babette, always gracious in defeat.]

Babette Francis, ‘There are values we don’t need’, ibid., 4:

… [H]ere are the values on which I want our immigrants to sign off … Accept that as sport is the national religion of Australia, girls should be allowed to wear appropriate clothes for sport.

[She's being facetious, right? Guess again.]

I am occasionally furious that years ago we lost a doubles badminton final in India because my Muslim partner had to wear long pantaloons that restricted her speed around the court.
[Babette, there's something called 'closure'.]

Peter Kentley, ‘Important Briefing: The Case Being Run in the Media against Danny Nalliah’,
Australian Marketplace Connections, Jan. 2007:

[The media claim] that Danny is part of the lunatic fringe and has called on Christians to ‘pull down’ brothels, bottle shops and the casino … Anyone who knows anything about the Bible knows that in the New Testament the term to ‘pull down’ is a metaphor for a way of praying against the spiritual forces of darkness in this world.

[Peter, does this mean we can take other parts of the Bible 'metaphorically', too - such as Genesis, Daniel and Revelation, for example? Or should we take everything literally unless you've given us the OK? Actually, you could probably make a fortune by publishing the 'Kentley version' of the Bible with all the metaphors in bold print. That would fix everything!]

Bill Muehlenberg, ‘The Missionaries of Anti-theism‘, CultureWatch, Discussion, 21 Jan. 2007 (1pm):

Objective moral laws are easy for me to explain, because there is an objective moral law-giver.

[We should put Bill in charge, shouldn't we? Everything seems so simple to him.]

William F. Buckley, ultraconservative American commentator, approvingly quoted in Bill Muehlenberg, ‘The Death of a Dictator‘, CultureWatch, 3 Jan. 2007:

[Even] if fornication is wrong, there is no denying that it can bring pleasure. The death of Saddam Hussein at rope’s end brings a pleasure that is undeniable, and absolutely chaste in its provenance.

[Hmm. Maybe we won't put Bill in charge just yet.]

Val Stares, Heather Jones and Annie Barnes, ‘A Letter to the Nation’, Above Rubies, Aug. 2006 (distributed Dec. 2006), 27:

Your children are your trophies that you can introduce to the Saviour!

[Why does the very idea of children as 'trophies' fill me with a nameless horror?]

Pastor Danny Nalliah, Catch the Fire Ministries, as quoted in John Elder, ‘Faith the answer to weather woes, to a degree’, Melbourne Sunday Age, 21 Jan. 2007, regarding the drought:

Pentecostal Pastor Danny Nalliah … was not surprised that non-believers were thinking of God. ‘This is what I’ve been hearing from so many non-Christians. They’re saying to me, “You guys have to do something”.’

[Name one such non-Christian, Danny. Just one, OK?]

More Danny (ibid.):

[The drought] is being seen as a sign, that we’re an abundant nation that has abandoned God. That’s what the God-fearing farmers of Victoria are saying to me: ‘Danny, as a nation we have to repent and pray’.

[Non-Christians one day, God-fearing farmers the next. Yes, it's all 'go' for Danny.]

Donald Laycock, Khancoban, NSW, letter in (Age) Sunday Life, 7 Jan. 2007:

When science can demonstrate how one species evolves into another, perhaps Charles Darwin will be eligible to be taught in science rather than in the fiction department where he should more correctly reside.

[I hope none of you were eating as you read this.]

Don again:

Has no one informed Paul Davies that ‘intelligent design’ has nothing to do with creationism?

[Please, Don, change your will and donate your brain to science.]

Fatherhood Foundation, ‘Eight Ways to Win Your Husband’s Heart’, email, 14 Jan. 2007:

Boost his ego. Men like to feel like they make a big difference in your life, even when they do trivial things such as opening a jar of peanut butter. Go ahead and praise the simple things, it’s an easy way to motivate him to do even more for you!

['Blessed are the manipulators', eh? Yes, I'm pretty sure that was in the Sermon on the Mount. And as for, 'Praise the simple things', I assume that refers to the husbands.]

Brian Pickering, Australian Prayer Network (APN), ‘National Solemn Assembly Update’, APN Newsletter, 2 Jan. 2007:

…[P]erhaps we have reason to believe that 2007 may bring greater spiritual advance and thus greater happiness than in recent years. We base that assumption on the changing pulse of the Body of Christ that we are picking up.

[How edifying!]

…[W]e would be very appreciative to receive any amount God lays on your heart to be sent by cheque payable to the Australian Prayer Network …

[Brian, I'm a little short ...]

We are also happy to receive credit card donations …

[Maybe next time ...]

… or to supply bank account details to those wanting to make direct payments into our account.

[How does the hymn go? 'Tell me the old, old story ...']

Wayne Frair, ‘The descent of Darwinism’, Creation Ministries International, Journal of Creation, Dec. 2006, 42:

In the last chapter of ‘The Naked Emperor’, [Antony] Latham opines that ‘The scientific community has, in general, turned a deaf ear but the paradigm [of Darwinism] is creaking’ (p.247). I would agree and expect that a widespread collapse of Darwinism is inevitable in the not-too-distant future.

[Hope is a wonderful thing, Wayne. Keep right on clinging to it.]

Bill Muehlenberg, Rights and Wrongs in Relationship Recognition, CultureWatch, 17 Dec. 2006, regarding legal recognition of homosexual relationships:

… [I]n a world where common sense becomes less and less common, and morality is constantly being thrown out the window, we can expect more such insanity to be foisted upon us. Indeed, how much longer before the family unit is actually outlawed altogether?

[Bill, does it ever worry you that so many of your arguments end on a note of hysteria? Help is available, you know.]

Bill again, Christianity, Development and Progress, CultureWatch, 17 Dec. 2006:

Are rising standards of living necessarily a good thing? … [M]aterial plenty can also be a curse. It can send leanness to the soul … Scarcity and difficulty tend to keep people on their knees, helping them to pay more attention to their souls and the world to come.

[Yes, and they can all keep singing, 'You'll have pie in the sky when you die.']

Jim Wallace, Australian Christian Lobby, as quoted in Luke McIlveen, ‘Hillsong blesses Rudd Labor’, Sydney Daily Telegraph, 6 Jan. 2007:

The Australian Christian Lobby’s Jim Wallace said Mr Rudd could not flaunt his Christianity without taking on difficult issues like abortion, pornography and teenage pregnancy.

[Translation: 'Hey, Rudd! Jesus wants you to ban abortion, ramp up censorship and tell teenage girls to keep their legs crossed. Anything else is anti-Christian. And don't forget it, bub.']

Gerard Goiran, Christian Democratic Party (WA), Family World News, Jan. 2007, 7:

We have laws in Australia that demand that we return undersized fish back to the sea but there is nothing to protect the undersized human foetus in the notoriously dangerous environment of a woman’s womb.

[Strong contender for this year's 'Weird' award.]

Nancy Campbell, ‘Is your thinking correct?’, Above Rubies, Aug. 2006 (distributed Dec. 2006), 26:

The Old Testament alien gods hated children. They demanded the sacrifice of children. The same false gods are operating today through the vehicles of abortion and contraception.

[How do they dream up these bizarre analogies?]

Warwick Marsh, Fatherhood Foundation, email to supporters, 1 Jan. 2007:

… Ancient civilisations recognised initiation and the various stages of the masculine journey for many thousands of years. It would seem that Western society suffered from a serious attack of selective amnesia during the latter part of the 20th century. Perhaps this was due to the obsession with the women’s liberation movement. Perhaps it was due to our innate male passivity.

[Has this been mistranslated from Swahili? It certainly makes no sense in English.]

Bill Muehlenberg, ‘An Anti-Theist Outburst, Again’, CultureWatch, 5 Jan. 2007:

[I hold] great fears about the militant anti-theists of our day. Today they simply save their spite for the printed page. But tomorrow their rage may take more tangible forms. We have seen it happen before and no doubt it will happen again … One can almost imagine that these militant atheists will be there when the heads begin to roll, smiling approvingly, applauding each new whack of the guillotine.

[Enough straw men here for a fair-sized haystack. And the funny thing is, Bill himself is an enthusiastic supporter of both corporal and capital punishment.]

President George Bush, as quoted in ‘Bush embraces lesbian’, Melbourne Age, 18 Dec. 2006:

After insisting for years that a child should be brought up by a mother and father in a traditional home, President George Bush has given his blessing to a forthcoming birth by one of America’s most famous lesbians - Mary Cheney, the daughter of Vice-President Dick Cheney. ‘Mary Cheney is going to make a fine mum, and she’s going to love this child a lot,’ Mr Bush said. ‘I’m happy for her.’

[Yea, verily, we are ruled by clowns.]

Kay Painter, American anti-abortion activist who recently toured Australia, as quoted in John Ballantyne, ‘Suffering in silence no more’, News Weekly, 20 Jan. 2007, 8:

There are two things we need to do: (1) make abortion illegal, and (2) make adoption easy.

[Kay, there are two things you need to realise: (1) we tried out your suggestions for several decades, and (2) they didn't work.]

John Kelly, ‘Trojan horse in Classical Studies curriculum’, News Weekly, 20 Jan. 2007, 15:

Far from fostering openness to a range of textually justifiable interpretations, however, it has become clear that ‘multiple readings’ [of SA secondary school Classical Studies texts] really means privileging, indeed, prescription, of feminist and same-sex ideologies. Literature is to be read and understood primarily through these Cyclopsian ideological filters, with a pseudo-moral squint conditioned by neo-Marxist constructions of justice and equity.

[Barry Humphries used to run a column somewhere called 'Pseuds' Corner'. I think he would have liked this one.]

Daniel John Newton, letter in Family World News, Dec. 2006, 3:

The Australian Constitution says that we have Judo Christian values which we need to accept and develop the society based on the Christian values. I am afraid to see the policies of Greens and how they can implement anti-Christian policies in the country where the constitution says that our values and conventions from Judo Christian Values. If the politicians do not encourage the to practice a right religion, I believe that they can’t emphasis the right to freedom of speech and their values are incorrect. Thank you.

[Don't blame me, folks, that's exactly what it says. And it was the 'lead' letter!]

Filed in: Their Own Mouths