Matthew Leung, letter in Melbourne Age, 27 Dec. 2006:

Two thousand years ago, God gave us the best Christmas gift: his son. Now God has given Victorians another great gift: rain.

[Matthew, where I can I send my Christmas gifts to God: a hotlink to the weather bureau, a calendar and a hearing-aid?]

Fred Nile, Family World News editorial, Dec. 2006, 2:

The Bracks ALP Government has been safely returned in the recent Victorian state election … Thankfully the Greens Party did not achieve their boast of winning control of the Victorian Upper House.

[Another blunder, Fred. The Greens did in fact win an effective balance of power in the Victorian Upper House. As God controls everything, I guess this must be his preferred outcome, right?]

Creation Ministries International, Journal of Creation promotional leaflet, Dec. 2006:

‘Journal of Creation’ is packed with professionally-designed layouts combined with relevant tables, charts, statistical data and attractive illustrations.

[Yup, Journal of Creation is packed with everything ... except science!]

Steven J. Cole, ‘Deliver us from Abortion’, Good Report, Dec. 2006-Feb. 2007, 10-11:

Since God is the creator and sustainer of human life, we should value and protect the lives of all innocent humans. By saying ‘innocent humans’, we are allowing for the authority of the government to exercise capital punishment and to wage war for national defence.

[Typical evangelical formulation: first, the questionable principle; then, the highly debatable exceptions. No wonder they make good lawyers.]

More Steven (ibid., 13):

Churches should discipline any members who advocate abortion, perform abortions or obtain abortions in disobedience to being counselled about God’s truth on the matter. It is a national tragedy that several Members of Parliament … who claim to be Christian have voted as though they were not. MPs such as Bruce Baird, Peter Costello and Kevin Rudd. Their churches should have rebuked them publicly.

[And maybe burnt them at the stake for good measure? Sorry, Steve, wrong century for all this stuff.]

Murray and Janne Peterson, ‘The Death Penalty. My opinion, or “Thus saith the Lord”‘, ibid., 17:

Despite Amnesty International arguing that the death penalty is not a deterrent, it has in fact proven to be a deterrent. A New York State governor said that when he brought back capital punishment, serious crime dropped.

[Don't waste your time looking for a footnote. Just trust the Petersons, OK? Let's continue ...]

… God’s own Son, Jesus Christ, endured an unjust trial on trumped-up charges, suffered, and died on a wooden cross. Yet God did not intervene. The need for justice is so strong that it seems He is willing to put up with an occasional wrong conviction rather than remove the death penalty.

[So justice sometimes requires injustice? Back to the drawing board, guys.]

Peter Stokes, Salt Shakers, ‘Evangelical or Evan-jelly-ism’, Salt Shakers Journal, Dec. 2006, 6:

Well-known British Anglican minister John Stott stated when here in Australia a few years ago, ‘God wants followers, not thinkers’.

[For some reason it sounds better in German.]

Peter again:

… [T]o live in ‘appeasement mode’ is to live in denial. Denial that there is truth, that there is right and wrong, that there is only one way to God through Jesus Christ and that all other ways lead to hell.

[And a Merry Xmas to you, too, Pete.]

Angela Conway, Australian Family Association (AFA), ‘Greens and Left Media Capitulate to Big Biotech Agenda’, Family Update, Nov.-Dec. 2006, 7, regarding media coverage of the therapeutic cloning debate:

There are only a few explanations for such flawed and erroneous news reporting. Perhaps these journalists are idiots, or they are very lazy or they are very dishonest. Perhaps it is a combination of intellectual incapacity, combined with laziness and malice towards Christians and pro-lifers …

[Former AFA Vice-President Bill Muehlenberg constantly accuses his opponents of 'name-calling'. Perhaps they've been taking lessons from Angela.]

‘How Can a Young Man Keep His Life Pure?’, New Life, 14 Dec. 2006:

Recent studies have shown that 50% of people sitting in churches each week have some sort of struggle with porn …

[Thanks for the tip. We'll keep well away from places like that.]

Charles Colson, convicted Watergate conspirator and leading evangelical commentator, ‘A Cultural Cold Front: Bashing Religion’, New Life, 14 Dec. 2006:

Further down the list of pugilistic bestsellers is Richard Dawkins’ ‘The God Delusion’, weighing in at 416 pages of hot air.

[Aw, come on, Chuckie, can't you do just a little bit better than that?]

Michael and Debi Pearl, ‘How to train up a child’, Good Report, Dec. 2006-Feb. 2007, 20:

Some children so despise their parent’s weakness that they take special care not to fall victim. Yet, the parental example of intemperance will manifest itself in another area of the child’s life where their guard is not up. Parents who are intemperate regarding food may have skinny children who become intemperate in sex.

[Evidence for this startling hypothesis? None, as usual.]

Elaine Nile, Christian Democratic Party, Family World News, Dec. 2006, 5:

The feminists of the Sisterhood in the Federal Parliament … have united again for the cause of promiscuity. The miracle cure recently discovered for cervical cancer will be given to school students aged between 12 and 18 years … Many parents have voiced their wonderment and disgust at the idea of 12 year old girls receiving the shot … I believe this shows the minds of the ’sisterhood’. They all assume that 12 year old girls are sexually active.

[The triumph of ignorance over misrepresentation? Or vice-versa?]

More Elaine:

Abortion All the Go for Older Women.

[No punchline required.]

John Mackay, Creation Research, Fossil Ad Catalogue 2, Nov. 2006 (supp. to Creation News):

[For sale] … Frightened Rolled Trilobites which were buried catastrophically! Even their fright is preserved in the fossil for all to see.

[You're a very imaginative person, John. Um, you don't think this might explain your commitment to creationism?]

John again:

In Tasmania we spoke to the [Australian Christian Education] convention students and staff, as well as to Launceston Grammar Year 12, plus Newstead College, plus primary students in Melbourne State Schools …

[Why are primary students at Victorian government schools being made captive audiences for promoters of creationist dogma? Why not bring in flat earthers and professional psychics while you're at it?]

David van Gend, Australians for Ethical Stem Cell Research, Cloning Vote: Conscience Crushed by “Con Science”, media release, 7 Dec. 2006, regarding the House of Representatives vote to allow therapeutic cloning:

The issue of conscience was clearly defended by 62 MPs … But ‘con science’ was too powerful for the other 82 MPs. Like superstitious peasants they believed the witchdoctors who held out hope of miracle cures from cloning. The credulity of these MPs was touching and pitiful …

[Reading the debate, it is clear that most, if not all, of these 82 MPs examined both sides of this complex issue with great care. When similar questions come before Parliament in future, some of them may recall Dr van Gend calling them 'superstitious, credulous peasants'.]

Geoffrey Bullock, Festival of Light Queensland, Light magazine, Nov. 2006, 5, regarding a reported increase in breast cancer cases among women at the Toowong ABC studios:

Instead of testing for radiation around the Toowong building, the ABC should investigate the reproductive histories of female employees with breast cancer - whether they have risk factors such as delayed or no childbirth, prolonged use of HRT or the contraceptive pill, or a first pregnancy abortion.

[Bullock by name ... And just by the way, Geoffrey, first pregnancy abortions are not a recognised risk factor for breast cancer.]

Creation Ministries International, ‘Mars too toxic’, Creation magazine, Dec. 2006, 10:

It was the Earth that the Creator formed to be inhabited (Isaiah 45:18) and it’s specifically because of what Adam did on Earth … that the entire heavens will be destroyed by fire (2 Peter 3:7-12).

[Guy eats apple, so heavens get destroyed by fire. That sounds logical.]

Filed in: Their Own Mouths