Rob Thomas, Mt Ommaney, Qld., letter in Festival of Light Australia Light, Aug. 2006, 4:

The greatest threat to Australian families is the cancer of no-fault divorce. No-fault divorce is championed by feminists, all political parties and even some churches in the name of human rights under the banner of feminism.

[If only feminism was half as influential as Rob thinks it is.]

Catch the Fire! - 6th anniversary celebration of Rise Up Australia Prayer Meetings (Pastor Danny Nalliah), leaflet (distributed Aug. 2006):

Speaker Brian Pickering. Founder of Australian Prayer Network, Brian is an Apostolic Father with a mandate to unite the Body of Christ in prayer. He is passionate to see prayer impact each community to pulsate with Kingdom life and God’s heartbeat to mobilise His people to pray for spiritual awakening across our nation.

[I wish Brian was also passionate to write in plain English.]

Peter Jensen, Anglican Archbishop of Sydney, ‘Sexuality - a make or break issue for the church’, New Life, 24 Aug. 2006, 11:

It is part of the propaganda war to label those who take my point of view as obsessed, homophobic, fanatical, negative, fundamentalist, divisive and puritan.

[Sounds about right. What's your point?]

Tony Abbott, Federal Health Minister, quoted in Paul Osborne et al. ‘Liberals on campaign rescue trail’, Melbourne Age, 26 Aug. 2006:

You don’t get plastic politicians from the Coalition. You get real human beings who haven’t been through a lifelong political finishing school.

[Yes, only lifelong religious finishing schools e.g. you, Andrews, Abetz, Barnett, Cadman, Markus ...]

Michael Nixon, Dean of Darwin Cathedral, quoted in Barney Zwartz ‘From Top End to top job’, Age, 26 Aug. 2006, regarding the Archbishop-elect of Melbourne Philip Freier:

Gay clergy in Melbourne will have something to worry about - this bishop is not very friendly towards that area.

[In which case it may be the bishop who has something to worry about.]

‘Another Australian bishop’, quoted in ibid.:

Homophobic is code for still thinking homosexual practice is wrong.

[Actually, the Oxford Dictionary defines 'homophobia' as 'a hatred or fear of homosexuals'. If the cap fits, mate ...]

Greg Byrne, Rowville, Vic., (entire text of) letter in Festival of Light Australia’s Festival Focus South Australia, Jun. 2006, 3:

I heard a few years ago that an unemployed German woman was told she would have to take a job in a brothel or lose her welfare benefit.

[Really? I heard a few years ago that there was some nong in Rowville who believed everything he was told and wrote pointless letters about it.]

Peter Stokes, Salt Shakers, E-News, 18 Aug. 2006:

The similarities between the wording of the recent [religion and politics] campaign/survey by the [Australian] Democrats and those of [a] media release … from the Atheist Foundation of Australia in May are striking. What is worse is the growing realisation that these people have actually infiltrated ALL political parties as we saw in the recent RU486 debate and will now see with the discussions about embryo stem cell research.

[Our secret plans are all laid bare. Alas, we are undone.]

Gerard Goiran, Christian Democratic Party WA, No conscience vote to apply on therapeutic cloning, 16 Aug. 2006:

The Christian Democratic Party disapproves of John Howard’s decision to give his party a conscience vote on the therapeutic cloning issue. The party’s WA Executive Director, Gerard Goiran, said that there should never be any conscience vote on life issues.‘In matters of life and death, our conscience should clearly direct us to safeguard life. This should be non-negotiable. Therapeutic cloning involves the killing of a human embryo and therefore like all other acts of abortion is sheer murder. I never heard before that Australian parliaments gave a conscience vote on murder’, Mr Goiran said.

[Doesn't make much sense to me, but Gerard, you call 'em like you see 'em.]

Alan Barron, Memucan Institute of Men’s Studies: ‘Men Championing Patriarchy’, www.memucan.net:

The drive to equalise the roles of men and women is not a fight against alleged male bias as such, but rather represents a retreat from reality and common sense, a futile war against nature. The equality for women jihad is in reality waging a war against the primacy and stability of family life, due democratic processes, and ultimately against the concepts of masculinity and femininity.

[Sorry to disappoint you, female readers, but Alan's already married.]

David Phillips, Festival of Light Australia, ‘Marriage versus Civil Unions’, Light, Aug.-Oct. 2006, 11:

Marriage civilises men and focuses them on productive pursuits. It protects women who have given up or postponed their careers to have children from being abandoned and harmed economically by uncommitted men.

[Thanks, David, I like a good fairy story.]

John Morrissey, ‘Some religions are more equal than others’, News Weekly, 19 Aug. 2006, 5:

On the CD-Rom accompanying ‘Humanities Alive 2′ [a school text] is a coloured illustration depicting the burning at the stake of Joan of Arc. Featured in the picture is a crucifix; but, with a sweep of a computer mouse, this symbol - sacred to Christians - is transformed into a witch’s broom. Thus an officially sanctioned textbook invites Year 8 schoolchildren to desecrate a sacred icon as part of their education.

[Cripes, mate. Turn it up.]

More Morrissey:

On educational grounds alone, ‘Humanities Alive 2′ fails every criterion of presenting objective history; but especially when prescribed in Catholic schools, it does nothing to strengthen the already fragile faith of young people in the religion both of their baptism and to which their schools ostensibly belong.

[If the religion made a bit more sense, perhaps their faith wouldn't be so fragile in the first place.]

Bill Muehlenberg, culture watcher, A review of Godless: The Church of Liberalism by Ann Coulter, 17 Aug. 2006:

Be forewarned: Coulter is conservatism’s pit bull terrier. And as a pit bull, she goes straight for the juggler.

[And there it sat in all its glory for a couple of days until some compassionate reader set Bill straight about jugglers and jugulars.]

Peter Stokes, Salt Shakers, Prayer Updates, Aug. 2006:

… [W]ill there ever be peace for Israel until they welcome the Messiah? I don’t think so. Will there ever be reconciliation between Muslims and Jews? Not without Muslims coming to Christ. We must pray for a spiritual awakening among the Jews, that they will at last receive their Messiah. We must pray for the mass conversion of Muslims to Christ to free the Palestinian lands of Islam.

[So simple! Condoleeza Rice, why didn't you think of that?]

Frank Jetmar, correspondent, Worth getting shook up about, Culture Watch - 16 May 2006:

[An earlier correspondent] wrote that homosexuality is natural and healthy. But two men or two women having sex is unnatural and goes against the design of a man and a woman. You only have to look at the design of human beings in a natural sense. Man was designed to go into Woman for the purpose of procreation.

[Thanks for the tip, Frank. Reminds me of a deathless line from Salt Shakers' Peter Stokes: Put bluntly, God only made one place for a man to put his penis. Yes, in his underpants.]

David Clay, correspondent, An Assessment of the [Evangelical Alliance] Paper on Homosexuality, Culture Watch - 19 Jul. 2006:

What happens behind the bedroom door has the ability to build up or destroy a nation. This has been shown to be true throughout history.

[Gosh, I'll have to be more careful.]

Bill Muehlenberg, self-appointed scourge of sinners, ‘When Nations Collapse’, Salt Shakers Journal, Aug. 2006, 4:

The past century has been one grand social experiment to see what life is like when we reject God … [W]e are now reaping the whirlwind.

[I happen to have a time-machine here, Bill. To which century would you like to be permanently transferred?]

Clifford Wilson, veteran creationist, ‘Noah’s Ark - the Quest goes on …’, New Life, 10 Aug. 2006, 4:

Personally I have no doubt that the Ark is on Mt Ararat, possibly broken into two parts.

[Generations of eager Ark-seekers have scrutinised every millimetre of this mountain looking for the Ark. They've never found any sign of it. And their successors will still be searching years after we're all dead. 'Credulous' isn't the word!]

Alan Barron, Institute of Men’s Studies (affiliated with Endeavour Forum), ‘The Cost of Child Care’, Fatherhood Foundation email newsletter, 7 Aug. 2006:

… [T]he government spends millions on subsidising private and state-built child-minding centres. (I don’t like [the term] ‘childcare’ - in my opinion it is state-sanctioned child abuse.)

[Thanks, Alan. We'll give your opinion the respect it deserves.]

Richard Eason, Senior Minister of New Testament House Churches in the ACT, ‘Thy republic come? A biblical perspective on Australian republicanism’, Salt Shakers Journal, Aug. 2006, 13:

Since [the time of] Samuel, the only human system of national government explicitly approved by God is a kingdom … Since God instituted only monarchy, all other systems came into existence by rebelling against a king appointed by God. No wonder the history of the world is crammed with evil dictators like Hitler.

[On the very next page, Salt Shakers Journal warns that the recently-formed Secular Party of Australia stands against 'all forms of religious coercion and theocracy!' Just remember these things at election time when Christian Right parties are telling us how much they love democracy.]

Markus Richardson, a former Anglican archdeacon who now attends Citylife (Pentecostal) church, Melbourne, quoted in Chris Johnston ‘(You gotta have) Faith’, Age (Melbourne) Magazine, Aug. 2006, 54:

[Citylife leaders] think in a brave and non-judgemental way, which is just like God thinks.

[So God thinks non-judgementally. Two questions, Markus. Whatever happened to 'the judge of all the earth is just', not to mention Judgement Day? And did you clear this with Fred Nile and Bill Muehlenberg as I think they may take a very different approach?]

Stuart Piggin, Christian Heritage National Forum organiser, quoted in Misha Schubert ‘Christian forum puts faith in politics’, Age, 4 Aug. 2006:

Despite 68 per cent of Australians identifying themselves as Christian on census forms, Professor Piggin said Christians had not acted as if they were in the majority.

[This is an unreliable figure. 'Practising Christians' are thought to number less than 20 per cent of the population. And how would we expect Piggin's Christians to act if they did constitute a majority? Would they ban abortions and restrict minority rights, for example? Just what sort of Christians are we talking about here?]

Michael Dawson, contributor to Bill Muehlenberg’s Culture Watch website, A review of Socrates meets Sartre, 26 May 2006:

When looking at a painting the evidence that there was a painter is the painting exists; the evidence of a builder is a building exists; the evidence that there is a creator is that Creation exists.

[Slight problem with the term 'Creation', Mike. Kind of assumes what you're seeking to prove. Otherwise, logically impeccable.]

Clint Bishard, ‘Quantisation of starlight redshift not from Hubble Law’, Journal of Creation (formerly Creation Ministries International/Answers in Genesis Technical Journal), Vol.20(2), (Aug.) 2006, 14:

Scripture is clear that the earth is young and we are not clouded by false presuppositions based on naturalistic explanations.

[Nope, just by false presuppositions based on magical thinking. Much more fun but unfortunately it doesn't explain anything.]

Filed in: Their Own Mouths