Barney Zwartz, conservative Presbyterian and Melbourne Age religion editor, ‘Crises of Faith’, Age, 30 Jun. 2006:
It so often comes down to sex. The Anglican Church has been tearing itself apart over the issue, but now the conservatives are winning.

[Think so do you, Barney? I'm caught between oxymoronic epigrams: 'We had to destroy the village in order to save it'; or 'The operation was a success but the patient died'. Score one for secularisation, I reckon.]

The Vatican, quoted in Melissa Fyfe ‘Stem cell technique could circumvent restrictive laws’, Age, 30 Jun. 2006:

The Vatican has threatened scientists who conduct stem cell research with excommunication. ‘Destroying an embryo is the equivalent of abortion’, said Cardinal Alfonso Lopez Trujillo, who said the penalty would also apply to the mother, father and nurses.

[Why stop there, Fonzy? Surely there's plenty of room in hell for the hospital and clinic administrators, doctors, receptionists, sick people creating demand by selfishly seeking cures, and anyone else who plays some role in the procedure. Come on, think big.]

Warwick Marsh, Fatherhood Foundation, ‘Government Internet Porn Policy Misses the Point’ (media release), 26 Jun. 2006:

We ask the Minister for Communications, Senator the Hon. Helen Coonan, to take decisive action to protect the women children of Australia and introduce mandatory Internet filtering at an ISP level of Internet porn.

[I think Warwick meant to say 'women AND children', rather than 'women children'. But when I consider the Fatherhood Foundation's general attitude towards women, I'm not so sure.]

Bill Muehlenberg, protector of Christian civilisation, Propaganda Masquerading as News, 22 Jun. 2006, regarding the same-sex marriage issue:

…[T]he letters’ editor [of the Melbourne 'Age'] is as biased as the rest of the paper’s staff. A good and fair letters’ editor will weigh up the letters he [sic] receives and print a representative few of each. Are we really to believe that 83 per cent of the letters he received were in favour of same-sex marriage?

[The Age readers' poll on this topic ran at about 76-24% in favour of same-sex marriage throughout the day, so an 83-17% split for letters to the editor doesn't seem unreasonable. But, Bill, let's see if your conclusion is equally reasonable:]

Maybe he did receive that many pro-gay letters … [This] probably just tells us that a handful of homosexual activists and their supporters are much more active and dedicated to their cause than are others. After all, they do have a lot more time on their hands. Most heterosexual family members are busy just being family, and do not have time for political lobby work.

[I could sail a flotilla of battleships through this one, but why bother?]

Sandra Herrmann, Christian Democratic Party Victorian Upper House candidate, ‘Christians in parliament’, New Life, 22 Jun. 2006:

[Hermann] said her motto for the forthcoming November election is, ‘Turn off your TVs and get on your knees’.

[Catchy]

Still with Sandra:

She said, ‘Non-Christians are very noisy. They always make their wishes known but Christians are often silent.’

[If only]

Senator Steve Fielding, Family First Party, quoted in Ben Packham, ‘Big Brother “smut” angers Federal MPs’, Melbourne Herald Sun, 21 Jun. 2006:

Family First Senator Steve Fielding said the late-night version of [Big Brother] was rotting children’s brains.

[Glass houses]

Andrew Evans MP, Family First Party (SA), ‘MPs told to forget religion in euthanasia debate’, ABC Online, 19 Jun. 2006, responding to a call for parliamentarians to set religion aside when debating proposed voluntary euthanasia laws:

Any issue that I’ve ever fought against has been based on logic …

[Yes, Andrew, we remember your logical approach to the sex education issue: If you look back in the old days when they didn't have much information, but just (said), 'Don't do it', you had far less problems than you've got now. (SBS Insight, 16 Oct. 2003)]

Graham Preston, Queensland coordinator, Right to Life Australia, ‘Abortion apathy concerns Right to Lifers’, RTLA News, May/Jun. 2006, 7:

Mr Preston is worried that the Christian community is not being active enough on the abortion issue, and points to only one church leader attending [an anti-abortion] protest when over 400 were notified about the march.

[Graham, do you think those other 399 church leaders might be trying to tell you something?]

Hanna Klaus, Nora Dennehy and Jean Turnbull, quoted in ‘STAR Program offers abstinence-centred sexuality teaching for teens’, Australian Family Association Family Update, Mar.-Apr. 2006, 2:

Neither the provision of contraception nor the exhortation to preserve chastity serves adolescents’ need to integrate their now-present biological capacity to procreate into their operational self-concepts.

[Why does my operational self-concept suddenly want to vomit?]

Nancy Campbell, ‘From Our Home to Yours’, Above Rubies, Feb. 2006 (distributed Jun. 2006), 3:

It’s a good idea [for wives] to constantly ask the questions, ‘How can I make my home more delightful?’, ‘What pleasures can I bring to my husband and my children?’, ‘How can I make it more enjoyable and like the original Garden of Eden?’

[Pop a snake in the back yard for starters.]

Exclusive Brethren (secretive Christian cult) as quoted by Senator Bob Brown, ‘Brown pushes for Exclusive Brethren probe’, ABC News Online, 7 Jun. 2006:

Greens Senator Bob Brown will introduce a motion asking the Senate to investigate the group. The Exclusive Brethren have been accused of making undisclosed donations to the Liberal Party and of using a scare campaign against the Greens in this year’s Tasmanian election …[Senator Brown] says he has met with the group and was told he would be eternally damned if he proceeded with the motion.

[Talk about shutting the stable door ... Just kidding, Bob.]

Peter Stokes, Salt Shakers, letter in New Life, 15 Jun. 2006, regarding the RU 486 ‘abortion pill’:

… [Dr Caroline] de Costa … is about to take delivery of her first shipment of 40 tablets from a New Zealand supplier so she can kill 40 babies … Why are these people so keen for us to kill our next generation?

['Never one to understate his case' - Contender #1]

Bill Muehlenberg, Secretary, Family Council of Victoria (something of a phantom organisation today, whose principal manifestation appears to be Muehlenberg himself), letter in New Life, 15 Jun. 2006:

…[T]he social engineers will never ease up until they see the complete and total destruction of the institutions of marriage and family … [S]ocial engineers have long made clear their utter hatred of marriage and family and their plans to eradicate them.

['Never one to understate his case' - Contender #2]

Helen Woodall, editorial, New Life, 15 Jun. 2006:

It is said that in today’s post-modern world a person needs 14 significant events before they make a decision for Christ. That means that if you sit in a schoolroom and listen to a lonely struggling kid read once a week for one single semester you have had 14 opportunities to say one meaningful thing per session to that child and to have them come to Christ.

[Er, thanks for sharing that, Helen. Moving right along ...]

David Catchpoole, Creation Ministries International (formerly Answers in Genesis), editorial, Creation, Jun.-Aug. 2006, 6:

I remember clearly my excitement and relief to be taught at university that everything just evolved. Thus armed with that worldview, I could, for example, blithely ignore charity volunteers collecting donations for the poor - better to let dog-eat-dog natural selection take care of (i.e. cull) the down-and-outs quickly, rather than prolonging their misery, I reasoned.

[You may have thought that, David, but 'reason' had nothing to do with it. Altruistic behaviour has a solid evolutionary basis. Now, character defects and rationalisation - that's another story.]

Diane Dewitt, Focus on the Family (US), quoted on Australian Christian Lobby website - 5 Jun. 2006:

For years now, I’ve mindlessly turned on the TV [for my daughter, now four] … and gone about my business … But now, if I make the mistake of leaving her alone for just a few minutes with a TV and a remote control, my innocent little baby girl would be left with a head full of images and sounds that no child was ever meant to see or hear: explicit sex, a smorgasbord of sexual deviations, nudity, profanity, unimaginable violence, brutalised bodies, medical autopsies, decomposing corpses, demons and voyeuristic reality programs where people abuse and humiliate one another for the sake of entertainment. And that’s just basic cable.

[Hmm, explicit sex, unimaginable violence, demons... Diane, you've got to keep her away from the Christian Channel!]

John Mackay, Creation Research, Creation News, Vol.20, No.2 (Jun. 2006), 1, regarding his former friend, former foe, and now friend again, Ken Ham of Answers in Genesis (US):

…[W]hat we want to see is both the church returning to real confidence in the scriptures and for the unbeliever to be convicted by the truth of God’s Word and be saved, not only from the folly of evolutionary nonsense, but from eternal damnation in the fiery hell which has been prepared for the devil and his angels who love the theory of evolution.

[And I'm sure John means that in the nicest possible way.]

Nancy Campbell, ‘Worthy of Honour’, Above Rubies, Feb. 2006 (distributed Jun. 2006), 9:

God did not create woman to be inferior. The virtuous woman is not second-rate. She is her husband’s glory!

[Want to run that by us again, Nancy?]

Jim Wallace, Australian Christian Lobby, ‘ACL concerned over Mr Beazley’s initial support for ACT civil unions’, (media release) 7 Jun. 2006:

Hopefully the [ALP] caucus will give this [gay civil unions] issue fuller consideration when it meets next week to discuss its position and not risk losing the Christian constituency it has worked hard to re-engage since the last election.

[Kim Beazley, old boy, you can perform all the moral handsprings you like and not a single one of these upright Christians will ever vote for you. The Coalition will always look like a safer bet. Put another way, how can you lose a constituency you never had? The solution? Find another constituency.]

Challenge Weekly, NZ, ‘Important Notice! Recall of defective hearts’, reprinted in New Life, 8 Jun. 2006:

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, as a result of a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is because of malfunction in the original prototype units codenamed Adam and Eve … The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorised repair …

[Oh great! Even God hides behind exemption clauses.]

Bill Muehlenberg, culture watcher, Christianity and Partisan Politics - 1 Jun. 2006:

I am not a theocrat …

[Of course not, Bill. You just want to see King Jesus return to planet earth and rule the nations with a rod of iron. Let's see, that would make you a ...?]

Rev Fred Nile, Christian Democratic Party, quoted in New Life editorial, 1 Jun. 2006:

I am very concerned at this alarming trend to remove Bibles as well as the influence of the Judaeo-Christian ethic from our hospitals and schools … These moves in Victoria and Queensland are the last kick by the dying secular-humanist movement in its futile attempts to replace Christian teaching with atheistic humanistic teaching in our Australian public schools …

[A bold prediction, Fred. We'll just file it away for future reference.]

Filed in: Their Own Mouths