John Mackay, Creation Research, in Annabel Crabb ‘Creationist on a dinkum crusade’, Melbourne Sunday Age, 30 Apr. 2006:

… [I]f people came from monkeys via frogs and fish, then why does the fossil record not contain a ‘fronkey’?

[Cripes, John, I hope you looked in the mirror before you said that.]

Michael and Debi Pearl ‘How to train up a child: Attitude Training’, Good Report, Apr.-Jun. 2006, 4, 24:

It’s not going to harm your child to be falsely accused a few times (that’s life!) … If he is roughed up by his peers, rejoice; he is learning early about the real world. Don’t make a sissy out of him … When you demand that your child be treated fairly, you are protecting him from reality … If a child shows the least displeasure in response to a command or duty, you should treat it as disobedience … A wrong slant of the shoulders reveals a bad frame of mind. Consider this a sign to instruct, train or discipline. A cheerful, compliant spirit is the norm. Anything else is a sign of trouble.

[Hah! Creampuffs! What about the early morning ice-baths and the Abu Ghraib training videos? No wonder we're losing the culture wars.]

Jack Sonnemann, Australian Federation for the Family, in Ken Grimson ‘Anti-porn campaigner in Wagga’, Wagga Wagga Advertiser, 17 Mar. 2006:

Pornography dehumanises women, it degrades femininity, it objectifies women’s bodies, it causes women to be raped, and it should be restricted to adults who wish to see it.

[Care to rephrase that, Jack?]

Bill Muehlenberg, freelance defender of the faith, ‘ABC’s Easter assault on Christianity’, News Weekly, 29 Apr. 2006, 4:

…[F]oolish attacks on Scripture and the Christian faith are par for the course by our taxpayer-funded ABC. Indeed, one begins to suspect that the ABC actually stands for Always Bashing Christianity, or Atheism is Better than Christianity, or perhaps the Anti-Bible Corporation. It is a radically leftist, secular broadcaster, quite happy to engage in Christian-bashing on a regular basis … One wonders if any prospective employee has to sign an anti-Christianity oath, or swear on a stack of atheistic literature.

[Can some kind person please take Bill aside and explain to him the difference between an argument and a rant?]

Creation Ministries International (formerly Answers in Genesis), ‘Nearly no more Bus’, Prayer News, Apr.-Jun. 2006, 4:

On their way to Tasmania to commence a ministry tour, Peter and Cathy Sparrow heard a loud bang from the rear of the ['Creation Bus']. When they stopped to investigate they were alarmed to see a fire had engulfed the tyres and side of the trailer … The police and fire brigade arrived and after the fire was quelled, the Sparrows returned to Murray Bridge (SA) for costly repairs … [T]hey phoned ahead to the church in Horsham to advise that they were going to be late for their scheduled meeting. The pastor would have none of it … so a [light] plane was dispatched to fetch Peter, Cathy and vital resources (isn’t God great?)

[The obvious comment goes something like, 'If God is so great, why did he let the fire break out in the first place?' This type of response is always dismissed by conservative Christians as a cheap shot, but as far as I'm aware, none of them has ever come up with a satisfactory riposte. All they say is, 'It was a test' or 'All part of God's great plan' or 'Who are you to tell God what to do?' Pathetic.]

Australian Christian Lobby website, www.acl.org.au, 19 Apr. 2006:

Four unrelated yet still related articles … [W]hat is the common thread here?‘Psychologist tells of Moussaoui delusions’ …

‘Bashir not part of Bali Bombings, Amrozi testifies’ …

‘Sydney terrorism suspect pleads not guilty’ …

‘Terror raids in France and Italy’ …

[What's the common thread? Beats me, guys. What do you reckon the common thread is in the following headlines?

'Paedophile priest may face more charges' ...

'Priests defrocked' ...

'Christian Brother jailed' ...

'[Boston] Archdiocese sent nearly bankrupt’ …]

Endeavour Forum Newsletter No. 122, May 2006, 1 [National Coordinator, Babette Francis]:

During the RU486 debate, both sides agreed that the number of abortions was too high and that a decrease would be welcome - or at least the RU486 advocates pretended they would welcome a reduction.

[No pretence about it, Babette. Better sex education and sensible contraception means fewer abortions. Too hard for you?]

Bill Muehlenberg, freelance defender of Australian Christian culture, ‘Gay old time over a little fairy bird’, Australian Christian Lobby website, www.acl.org.au, 19 Apr. 2006:

Of course during all this time one minority group is being offended and vilified every day. It is open season on Christianity and the media and our cultural elites are more than happy to engage in Christian bashing on a regular basis.

[How come Religious Right authors constantly claim that 70 per cent of Australians are Christians, except when someone criticises them, at which time they transubstantiate into a 'vilified minority'? What did Norman Cohn (1957) say in The Pursuit of the Millennium: 'All these phantasies are precisely such as are commonly found in individual cases of paranoia. The megalomaniac view of oneself as the elect, wholly good, abominably persecuted yet assured of ultimate triumph ...' (309)]

Petula Dvorak ‘White House Easter Egg Roll a little queer this year …’, Melbourne Age, 19 Apr. 2006:

Mr Gri and Mr Mott were two of about 200 gay and lesbian parents who went with about 100 children to the traditional White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday …Half a dozen protesters stood outside the South Lawn gates with large signs and a bullhorn. They yelled at all the families, telling heterosexual parents that their children would be punished with colds for coming to an event that included gays and lesbians.

[Got a flash for all you protesters out there. Every single event of significant size that you have ever attended - including fundamentalist, Pentecostal or Catholic church services - almost certainly included lots of gays and lesbians. Do you feel a sniffle coming on?]

Nancy Campbell, ‘Dressed for the Job’, Above Rubies, Nov. 2005 (distributed Feb. 2006), 7:

What do you do when you get out of bed in the morning? Do you get dressed, or wander around in your robe or dressing gown?… If you think your career of mothering and homemaking is insignificant, you may not be motivated to get dressed immediately. However, if you understand that you have the most important career in the nation, you will be sure to get dressed for the job. You will be up and ready to report to your Heavenly Employer …You are employed by God, yes, Almighty God Himself, to keep your home and raise the children He has given you to be mighty in His kingdom … You are determining the destiny of the nation.

[Just don't try asking for a raise.]

Nancy again, ‘Where’s my apron?’, Above Rubies, Nov. 2005, 9, quoting her friend Terry Leib:

Woven into the cloth of an apron are unseen threads of a sweet feminine spirit, a spirit of meekness, humility and contentment. That little flap of frilly, feminine fabric tied around a woman’s waist symbolised her acceptance of her role and duties. It was her badge of honour and represented submission to God and to her husband … Its strings gently tug at us, tenderly, softly calling us to turn back to the old ways, the Biblical ways of order in the home.

[Easy, stomach!]

Kerrie Allen, research officer for the Australian Family Association (AFA), News Weekly, 18 Feb. 2006, 12:

Recently a [National Civic Council (NCC)] officer conducted a focus group in a regional Victorian town. The group was made up of nurses, all of them women aged 20-35. Almost all thought ‘Dolly’, ‘Cosmo’ and ‘Cleo’ magazines were not reflective of pornographic literature; in fact, they thought they didn’t reflect anything out of the ordinary at all … The majority of the women in the focus group were also mothers who said they had no problem in buying these magazines for their daughters. These findings indicate poor understanding of what represents pornography and about the insidious way pornography has permeated popular culture.

[Or you might conclude that Kerrie Allen, the NCC and the AFA have a poor understanding of modern Australian culture and society and are flogging a very dead horse indeed. Take your pick.]

Nick Overton, Tasmanian Chief of Staff for the Australian Christian Lobby (ACL), ‘Same-sex teaching confusing children’, ACL media release, 14 Mar. 2006:

[Overton] today expressed concern over the visit of Ms Vicki Harding to run workshops in Tasmania aiming to change primary-school-aged children’s minds about what a normal family is.‘It is of great concern that Ms Harding is intending to confuse primary-school-aged children by introducing them and their teachers to her books about so-called “same-sex families” being normal,’ Mr Overton said … ‘[S]ame-sex relationships are not the “norm” and should not be taught as being so.’

[Nick seems to confuse the terms 'norm' and 'majority'. Does he think, for example, that teachers should ask redheaded students to stand in class and be identified as 'abnormal'?]

Fred Nile, Christian Democratic Party, editorial in Family World News (FWN), Apr. 2006, 2:

In spite of widespread public opposition the Federal Parliament led by the Australian Democrats and the Greens has obligated their responsibility to maintain control of the RU486 abortion drug …

[I think he means 'abdicated their responsibility' but you'd better ask Fred.]

More Fred, this time regarding the Australian tourism slogan ‘So where the bloody hell are you?’, FWN, Apr. 2006, 6:

The two key words ‘Bloody’ and ‘Hell’ are offensive to Asian societies, even if it can be translated into their languages, which is often impossible.

[But if the phrase is impossible to translate, how can it be ...? Oh, never mind, Fred, I'm sure you know what you mean.]

Cameron Horn, ‘Yahoo serious about PC silliness’, FWN, Apr. 2006, 6:

… I fully expect this and plenty else from this tongue-in-cheek piece to be quoted out of context at unBelief.org where the humorous pursuit of irony, hyperbole and parody seem to be lost on those who live in deity-denial. God is a fact, boys! God is a fact.

[Careful, Cam, say it too often and you might start believing it.]

[Yeah, Cam, and who are you calling a boy? Drop around sometime and I might convince you otherwise. Bronny xxx]

Alexander McArthur, letter in Fatherhood Foundation e-newsletter, Mar. 2006:

There is no guidebook for men before they consider marriage. In the vast majority of cases, women only want a sperm donor to validate their reproductive needs as dictated by Feminism and trashy women’s magazines, and a poor sucker to pay for it, not love.

[Wha'?]

Alan Barron, Institute of Men’s Studies (affiliate of Endeavour Forum), letter in News Weekly, 1 Apr. 2006:

According to the BBC news, the Brits want a police force that reflects the ‘diversity of the community’ … I guess it won’t be long therefore … [before the force has] recruiting policies favouring drug addicts, homosexuals, alcoholics, mature-aged persons, short people, overweight and dole-bludgers … In 20 years time it shouldn’t be too hard to rob a bank, as in all probability a 155cm, plump 55-year-old female with a limp will be sent to apprehend you …

[Alan, I think you're going to have to re-sit your Sensitive New Age Guy test.]

Filed in: Their Own Mouths