Working on the principle that the Roman Catholic Church is one of the worst ideas that humanity ever had, what sort of Pope would most rapidly advance the progress of secularisation?

What we are looking for here is a splitter, someone who is going to drive half of the church crazy in the shortest possible space of time.

Our own George Pell certainly looks the goods here, with a marvellous track record over many years. Church attendances plummeting, half the clergy doing the bolt and sundry others sewing mailbags in prisons across the nation - wonderful stuff. Unfortunately George looks a bit dicey at 40/1 so let’s cast an eye over the competition.

I’d love a John Paul II clone to get up. More of the same for another 25 years should just about finish the business in Europe and North America as well as Australia. Cardinal Tettamanzi, currently one of the favourites, is said to be close to Opus Dei and this is the kind of form we like to see. Ratzinger would do the job provided he can hang around for a while. Actually, any authoritarian European cardinal is eminently acceptable (forgive pun), but the more Wojtyla-like they are the better.

Arinze of Nigeria, deeply conservative on social issues, could precipitate all sorts of divisions - looks great! ‘Lefties’ like Hummes of Brazil would cause no end of damaging quarrels, but I feel that ultra-conservatives are far more likely to crack the church wide open over a relatively short period.

I emphatically do not want a healer! Please, no-one moderate, intelligent, rational, popular, no John XXIII ciphers: in other words, no-one that I would personally like. And no-one that Roman Catholics would overwhelmingly regard as ‘Christ-like’.

The last thing the world needs is a Christ-like Pope.

Filed in: Catholicism